struggling

I hit another wall, I am trying so hard to keep my head up but I am losing. I genuinly dont think that I can take much more. I try to think of all the people that have it worse than me, but all I can think now is fuck it. I feel like I am losing my grip on reality. I am getting really down again, I am struggling so badly. I go from feeling numb to feeling useless. I cant drink these problems away and I just can not seem to solve them. I am lost lonely and useless. I feel unloved and unliked and unwanted. I am scared and worried all the time. I have barely any sleep and even pills wont make me sleep. I am losing my grip on my humanity. I have thrown myself into excercising as losing weight is all I am seem to be good at. At least that was they can bury me pretty.
Nobody seems to notice, mum is very wrapped up in the baby and in her own dramas to notice mine.
I wonder if I would be a good influence on my new baby brother or sister. I tend to think that they would be better not knowing me. What could I give them thats worthwhile.
I dont think I will be able to appeal my uni thing and my student loan will only get released when I enrol online. which of course I cant do. So this does mean I will lose my flat.
I hate being an adult soo much I hate struggling to cope. I always have to cope and I am sick of it. I want an easier life. The prick that fucked my life up is having a great life. He is living it up going on holidays and living offf his parents. He gets everything free including a clear conscience. Why the fuck is that evil piece of shit able to sleep well at night, why is he doing so great. What the fuck have I done to deserve this.
I feel so vacent from everything, I feel vacent from life. Like I am some sort of bystander. I see everything but can do nothing.
I would say I missed being a kid but that was no bloody better. I wish I could re invent myself. You know just go somewhere and re name myself and never look back. But I cant. I have to be me and I have to deal with me things.
Life sucks.

fucked it

I fucked up at uni. My family don't want me. I don't have a love. I just don't see a future. I think I need to re-think life. And i am gonna start with my attitude. I am not going to sit here feeling sorry for myself. I am going to get on my god damn horse and I am gonna fucking ride it. I am not no weak little girl that's going to sit and take it. I will prove everyone wrong and I will amount to something. I am going to persevere and fucking take the bull by its horns. Yeah I am upset but I am not going to lose. I am going to be an opportunist. So watch this space because its going no where.