luck bitches!!!!

WISH ME LUCK :)

u know what i just shouldnt bother

You can only help someone who wants to be helped. u can only do something that u want to do or that u need to do.
if u wanna push me away then fine but ur problems will eat u up from the inside out. u hide and u wont talk about them then fair enough but while u dont deal i wont tell u anything. friendship works both ways. I understand that people have it hard and that some have it easy but its the way u deal with things that make u the person u are today. if u cant deal now then u will never learn to deal if u keep shutting people out then u will have knowone. maybe thats what people want but if they cant care for themselves then they will not care for u. life is full of pressure and will always go well or wrong but if we give up then whats the point in making it as far as we have come. i cant force u i can only guide u. u hate beeing treated like a child then u shouldnt act like one. u should  realise those who tell u when ur doing wrong always know when ur doing right they may not tell u but its all because they care.
im just basically having a massive rant cos i can and i like typing on this keyboared and needed to write it down as i spilt cider on my diary that made me quite sad :( but il always create more memories good and bad to put in there :)

:)

Its so much easier to smile than to say whats wrong.....

idk

I DONT WHAT TO DO :(

i dont know what to do

sometimes i dont know what to think i dont know what say and i dont know what to do. i wish i could make everyone around me better and i wish i could make them see there faults. i think if they saw them then maybe things wouldn't be so bad. we all have faults and deep hidden secrets but we all have a conscious. and sometimes i wish i could turn mine off. i wanna be free with no worry i want no regrets and no thoughts for my past. these are things i cant change but me that i can change.
i would love to be skinny and confident and thoughtful. i wish i knew loads about the things that people spoke about. i feel like such a dumb ass.
i see my mum falling deeper and deeper i hate it i wish i could keep a smile on her face for just one day. i see molly and baz getting furthur apart they will be the death of each other. i see chris being a jack ass and not being there for mum. i see charlie growing up and cameron being ill i see alana confusion as she doesnt understand and i see kirstys face as if shes won. i then see myself i look in the mirror and i wipe the wet sad eyes. i look at myself closely picking out every floor in myself  i hate that everything around me i cannot change. I will always be the dissaprovel or the disproved if u like but i do come away from that mirror and i get my shit together and i will fight i will fight until i die. i will use every breath to think or put things into the right path. and if i cant then im sorry but il just continue to try.

home

well im leaving London off home again. But as usual im worried at what to expect. My cat is ill and its the best cat in the whole wide world and im so worried about her. And things are a bit iffy in mums household. at least the weekend was good :) i hope it wont be to bad by the time i get back and that its a little calmer like the open sea on  a summers day.
SOOOO shivvy shut the fuck up and deal and stop wingeing. U CAN MAKE IT OK......

calm and happy to be me

i like it when things are calm and simple it makes me happy. i dont have to worry or wonder. its nice to look around and see smiley faces. there are things in this world we can not control but the things that we can still have influence over them. it might not be our own influence but at least its simple. i feel better being here im not lonely anymore, the thing that can drive me insane is being alone and having nobody there. myself becomes my own worst enemy. i suppose i should suck it up and deal but i guess its just my human weakness. but despite my weakness i have this euphoric happy smile on my face as for now im whole gain im not alone physically or mentally, my head is calm and quiet rather than buzzing with out of control thoughts. 

so for once im just glad to be me :)

this is what im doing right now.

im fucking smiling :)

:(

life can be so  fucking cruel. what is so wrong with having a nice week. why is it if anything goes good it fucks up  at the end as if its cancelling it out. i just want everyone to be happy and to smile as they realize there life exist and so should they. life is what u make it so if u let it get u down then u will struggle to get back up u as a person are better that giving up ur amazing and u should look around and realise that how ever tiny u are u are still appreciated :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

valentines day?????

what is valentines day, is it a deceleration of your love that u can show on one day! i don't know i think its just an over rated day where u give tacky gifts to remind each other of your love for each other. oh and the shops rinse your money for ya!!
i don't understand why u have to wait for this one specific day to make each other smile. u should try to make each other smile when u can and every day if possible. there's no harm in giving the occasional tacky teddy and every one likes flowers now and again. 
so in conclusion fuck valentines day and show someone that u love that you love them everyday :)

i saw loads of foxes together at night and this made me smile :)

SHITFACED!!

(:LETS  GET  SHITFACED  AND  FUCK   WITH  THE  TOWN :)

DAMM

It takes a lot to see when or if Ur worth something. and sometimes u just cant see it its like a wall or a barrier if u like. your smiling on the outside but inside Ur fucking dying. i would love to make things right around me and in everyone's lives but i cant even do that until im sorted. i have managed to sort out those closest around me which im gonna say is a good thing, as i do have to stay with the positive because im not gonna fall down that giant grey pit that i see everyone else fall down. but this time im not gonna get brought down im gonna keep on going forward. it hurts to see those around me hurting but if i can make just one person happy each day or at least one person smile then i will fill fulfilled which is something. i well do miss a few of the family i don't talk to even though i will never be able to correct shit and stuff i still feel for them.
but all this makes me think i could be worth something and i just need to be valued in myself and by myself :) 




peace out :)