Ok Now Lets Go

Right I am in a good excited mood. And I think I have sat myself down and had some home truthes given to me by me. I need to take more chances and not sit and stay in my bubble of comfort. I need to throw myself in at the deep end more.. And yeah I think I would love a relationship with the right guy. But I am not gonna look. And this time around the guy is gonna have to be bloody special. Pear did want me once and I pied him with a really harsh brush off. I guess in a way this is my Karma. I am not saying that I should be feeling this way but I cant ignore the fact that I was mean once. I don't do mean very well but I think I am gonna try and be more mean and think about myself more. Because I need to. I was born to and I will live as a separate entity. Yeah I feel really sucky at points but what persons life doesnt. You have to feel all these different emotions to live. You cant hide behind a door forever. I need to make mistakes that are good bad and painful as that is how we grow. I want to be a well lived person. I want to get old and realize that when I look back I can smile and lose my last breath knowing that I truely lived each moment to the best I could. I will not fail myself because I am better than that. I want more and I am will find it. I will break from these chains and rise like a phoenix.

:(

I saw the girl he likes I think. She not much in the way of a looker. Does this mean she has such an awesome personality it shines through. Am I a shallow horrible person. I cant shake this feeling of sickness. Its so prominent. I am sad, so very sad. This has really thrown me. I am not used to this. I am going to bed because I genuinely feel really sick :(

life is not always kind

So it got a bit better and it just fell. The guy I liked thanked me for giving him confidence and he asked a girl out he liked. I knew that I put to many eggs in one basket but for once I took a chance. I took a chance that I am never taking again. I am never opening my feelings to anyone again. This hurts a lot more than it should, I got cocky and forgot about the bad. He told me never to fall for him and he doesn't realize I did. I hate that I softened over a guy. I am so hard hearted with guys due to seeing mums failed relationships. And I broke the number one rule which is to never need a guy. He told me last night and I had to keep everything in and then go to work and then get home without crying. And now I cant stop. I wasn't even with him and this hurts I have a lump in my throat that wont go away. I am so lonely and as each day goes by I get lonelier. This empty feeling that I just cant seem to shake is just getting worse. I used to listen to music when I traveled and now I cant because all I do is think. I worry and I get scared.. I am just a shell of the way I was. I cant eat properly I cant sleep I dont think I am out of the woods yet. Theres a saying that I really love and it we only accept the love we think we deserve. And this time I thought I may deserve more. I actually took this chance and I took those steps and I fell hard. I feel ridiculous and stupid and so open. I never wanted this, I just want to curl into a ball and hide. I hate this sense of vunerability, I am the strong one that can do anything. But everytime I take one step forward I take three back. I know I can overcome this but right now all I want is a hug and someone to tell me it will be ok. I wanna be the one thats cared for, for a change. I am so glad he doesnt know as he warned me. I am so stupid

Slighty

Things are slowly getting better. I have had a brilliant couple of weekends. Molly made my birthday weekend so special. She was great and she really put the smile on my face that I needed. Last weekend was the bonfire and friends and drugs. I loved it. I then followed that up with lots of sex and a week of trying to piece my world together. I finally spoke to the landlord and he was so great with me. I got the letter through from the jobcenter and they are agreeing to pay me! I have an interview in like 8 hours. Gawd I am nervous. I still feel so uneasy though. I have the butterflies in my stomach that usually mean i am nervous scared or that I am anticipating something going wrong. When Molly is with me she gives me courage and I dont feel awkward. When she goes I am so socially awkward. This is what my next mission is. It is to overcome this. I am usually nervous when I meet people but I think where I have stayed in it has broken me a bit. I plan oon having an ace weekend this weekend and it shall be good. I hopefully will be back to my full weird self soon.

Positivish

I made it through a day of not crying. I have to make one last dreaded call to the landlord, which I am scared to do. Grrrrr I just want it to stop. I do worry though, what if I have been so depressed and wrapped up in myself that my friends will like me less. Or what if I have become a burden. I have been that bad I can see why they would want to avoid me. Maybe I am being silly, I dont know. All these what ifs keep popping up and they are worrying me so much. I need a cuddle that says I love you and I will be there for ever. I think were people constantly leave me so easily I worry that the people closest to me will, and I even I know that that is silly. Stupid stupid head. But today was better than yesterday and that I can handle :)

People suck sometimes

Dan is being a massive dick. I say no to him staying around and he starts throwing his toys out of the cot. And he just ended the friendship, honestly thats a load off my mind. I cant keep working around him its to draining. I feel drained but I have to move. I need something positive to happen today. need to start the feeling of happy and then try and make it continue. I guess that sounds really odd, but I am trying. I have not cried yet and I am going to try hard not to. Unless I get hit by a truck at which point I am gonna cry like a newborn!! My head feels pretty heavy and I am getting my daily stress headache and the huge feeling of anxiety which feels like someone sitting on my chest. Gawwwwd I hate this I want to feel normal again. Well as close as I can get. Right enough of me whinging via writing. I am getting off my bed and I will open the curtains and I will find my positivity.

Okish

Today was okish. I forgot how amazing kids are at making you laugh. Banana has missed me and she was so sweet and loving. She was my little minion. I had wrote loads of words down for her to spell in a new book I gave her. And her smile was perfect, it was a smile worth getting out of bed for. I still struggled but I made it, I wore pants and everything. The sea today was so strong, It made me feel so small and insignificant but at the same time I was in such awe that this big power surrounded me. Natural beauty is one of my favorite things I love that in bad houses beautiful flowers can roam. I still hurt but I think that I cant bow out. I want to see everything, I want to feel a love that consumes me. I want to experience my dreams and let go of my nightmares. I want to feel that moment when the world feels like its stopped and I stand there facing something that my imagination never thought possible. I want to live. Even though I feel like I am knee high in mud I think I can make it out. Luck, love and life to you all.

Dear God give me a break

So I am still bad. Today was hard I cried I laughed and realized that life is an asshole. I will find out if my jobseekers claim goes through tomorrow. I am so fucked if it hasn't.
I keep getting dizzy and where I am so run down I have constant breathing problems. You know life I am real sick of your shit. They say you have to hit rock bottom before things can get any better but how fucking low do I have to get. I think about suicide like its a close friend of mine. Everyday is a struggle to tell myself it is worth it in the end. But to what end, what is the end that will have been so great that all this heartache is worth it. Mum still has not spoke to me, I give up trying to work out what her new problem with me is. When something is wrong with her I make damn sure I am there, but whilst I need her shes gone. She doesn't even call to see if I am ok. Maybe I need to change my name to Ellen to get her to take notice of me. The guy I like barely notices me. To be fair nobody really notices much. You feed people a smile and the promise that you are fine and they buy it. Every day the charade of happiness gets harder.
My birthday is on Sunday, and this time I am ready. I am not going to do anything. I will not face the usual disappointment of things going wrong or people letting me down. I don't wanna deal with the drunk dramas or the false people pretending to care I was born.
I have noticed I am soo bitter recently and when people tell me their problems I just dont care. I wish I had the numb feeling because I just keep having massive highs and massive lows. I cant keep up or tolerate myself.
I hate feeling this horrible, when people are around I wear pants. But as soon as everyone leaves I am held up in my room. I feel like a sorry excuse for a human. I worry that I will become a horrible person and that I will just be hated. Recently I write so much. In what I call my depression diary I have filled the pages with tears fears and hatred of myself. Who knew that hating yourself could give you writers cramp.
I am in need of some serious good Karma. And rum I really really want rum. I have wanted it for weeks I feel such a pull towards it. If life wont give me some good karma then the least it could do is give me rum and drugs!

struggling

I hit another wall, I am trying so hard to keep my head up but I am losing. I genuinly dont think that I can take much more. I try to think of all the people that have it worse than me, but all I can think now is fuck it. I feel like I am losing my grip on reality. I am getting really down again, I am struggling so badly. I go from feeling numb to feeling useless. I cant drink these problems away and I just can not seem to solve them. I am lost lonely and useless. I feel unloved and unliked and unwanted. I am scared and worried all the time. I have barely any sleep and even pills wont make me sleep. I am losing my grip on my humanity. I have thrown myself into excercising as losing weight is all I am seem to be good at. At least that was they can bury me pretty.
Nobody seems to notice, mum is very wrapped up in the baby and in her own dramas to notice mine.
I wonder if I would be a good influence on my new baby brother or sister. I tend to think that they would be better not knowing me. What could I give them thats worthwhile.
I dont think I will be able to appeal my uni thing and my student loan will only get released when I enrol online. which of course I cant do. So this does mean I will lose my flat.
I hate being an adult soo much I hate struggling to cope. I always have to cope and I am sick of it. I want an easier life. The prick that fucked my life up is having a great life. He is living it up going on holidays and living offf his parents. He gets everything free including a clear conscience. Why the fuck is that evil piece of shit able to sleep well at night, why is he doing so great. What the fuck have I done to deserve this.
I feel so vacent from everything, I feel vacent from life. Like I am some sort of bystander. I see everything but can do nothing.
I would say I missed being a kid but that was no bloody better. I wish I could re invent myself. You know just go somewhere and re name myself and never look back. But I cant. I have to be me and I have to deal with me things.
Life sucks.

fucked it

I fucked up at uni. My family don't want me. I don't have a love. I just don't see a future. I think I need to re-think life. And i am gonna start with my attitude. I am not going to sit here feeling sorry for myself. I am going to get on my god damn horse and I am gonna fucking ride it. I am not no weak little girl that's going to sit and take it. I will prove everyone wrong and I will amount to something. I am going to persevere and fucking take the bull by its horns. Yeah I am upset but I am not going to lose. I am going to be an opportunist. So watch this space because its going no where.

Pants

Ok today will be better, as I am wearing pants and make up. Though I feel unbelievably crappy and hurt. I shall hold my head high and be productive that way I can take my mind off life for a bit. Wish me luck.

grrrr

I am so hurt and so upset. Why is it I cant just have an easy life. Why am I the parent to my own mother. Why cant my life just be a bit kinda to me. I am always there for mum and she then treats me like shit. The anger is nothing compared to how much what she said hurt me. I think I a just going to have some me time. I need to re cooperate and gather my thoughts. I had a really great pirate day but a very shit hangover day. I hate feeling sad.

whats the point

Why do i fucking bother. I just got weed given to me for mum, so shes smoking again. why the fuck did i spend that much time getting you off it. Mark is now living down the road from me. How come every corner I turn there is spikes. i get over the spikes and try to move on and hey there are more god damn spikes. Im actually so mad im at breaking point. I wanna drink myself into oblivion i want be any where but here. If im not mad il just cry and if i cry im not gonna stop. How much more pain do i have to face until i can live like a real person. when will i get the break. when will there a point to anything i fucking do. I make things better and a new problem arrives. WELL THANKYOU WORLD YOU FUCKING CUNT. GO FUCK WITH SOMEONE ELSE IM BORED OF THE LIFE YOU GAVE ME.

Detatched

I feel very detatched like im breaking away.
i dont know how i will live through another day.
do you really see my smile touch my eyes.
or are you looking at a thousand lies.
i just wanna feel i just want a hug.
i wanna sit here and not feel like a mug.
i want my friends i want a fresh start.
I wanna smile straight from the heart.

time and thought

Ihear the whisper of the leaves everytime I leave,
I feel the beat of my heart, my promise of a new start,
I see the smiles in your faces, a world with a thousand races.

im scared but at least im free.

so i told dan i got off with some one else. i have this pit in my stomach that i hate. i dont do guilt well. im worried that im growing farther apart from my london friends. i worry that molly wont want to travel the world with me. im scared a lot right now and i just feel kinda sick. im worried im gonna fuck up another year of uni and i think i really like drugs and hugs right now. if i amount to anything its gonna be a fecking miricle. i also still feel kinda lonely. like i sit in my flat and i just think.....
so right now this is me manning the fuck up. im gonna go home and get shouted at by dan. im gonna wait for him to leave and have a good cry. im gonna watch so much smallville that i will shit out superman. im gonna read sociology books like ive never read before. i need to plow through the next two days and suck it up. im scared but at least im free.