Dear God give me a break

So I am still bad. Today was hard I cried I laughed and realized that life is an asshole. I will find out if my jobseekers claim goes through tomorrow. I am so fucked if it hasn't.
I keep getting dizzy and where I am so run down I have constant breathing problems. You know life I am real sick of your shit. They say you have to hit rock bottom before things can get any better but how fucking low do I have to get. I think about suicide like its a close friend of mine. Everyday is a struggle to tell myself it is worth it in the end. But to what end, what is the end that will have been so great that all this heartache is worth it. Mum still has not spoke to me, I give up trying to work out what her new problem with me is. When something is wrong with her I make damn sure I am there, but whilst I need her shes gone. She doesn't even call to see if I am ok. Maybe I need to change my name to Ellen to get her to take notice of me. The guy I like barely notices me. To be fair nobody really notices much. You feed people a smile and the promise that you are fine and they buy it. Every day the charade of happiness gets harder.
My birthday is on Sunday, and this time I am ready. I am not going to do anything. I will not face the usual disappointment of things going wrong or people letting me down. I don't wanna deal with the drunk dramas or the false people pretending to care I was born.
I have noticed I am soo bitter recently and when people tell me their problems I just dont care. I wish I had the numb feeling because I just keep having massive highs and massive lows. I cant keep up or tolerate myself.
I hate feeling this horrible, when people are around I wear pants. But as soon as everyone leaves I am held up in my room. I feel like a sorry excuse for a human. I worry that I will become a horrible person and that I will just be hated. Recently I write so much. In what I call my depression diary I have filled the pages with tears fears and hatred of myself. Who knew that hating yourself could give you writers cramp.
I am in need of some serious good Karma. And rum I really really want rum. I have wanted it for weeks I feel such a pull towards it. If life wont give me some good karma then the least it could do is give me rum and drugs!