life is not always kind

So it got a bit better and it just fell. The guy I liked thanked me for giving him confidence and he asked a girl out he liked. I knew that I put to many eggs in one basket but for once I took a chance. I took a chance that I am never taking again. I am never opening my feelings to anyone again. This hurts a lot more than it should, I got cocky and forgot about the bad. He told me never to fall for him and he doesn't realize I did. I hate that I softened over a guy. I am so hard hearted with guys due to seeing mums failed relationships. And I broke the number one rule which is to never need a guy. He told me last night and I had to keep everything in and then go to work and then get home without crying. And now I cant stop. I wasn't even with him and this hurts I have a lump in my throat that wont go away. I am so lonely and as each day goes by I get lonelier. This empty feeling that I just cant seem to shake is just getting worse. I used to listen to music when I traveled and now I cant because all I do is think. I worry and I get scared.. I am just a shell of the way I was. I cant eat properly I cant sleep I dont think I am out of the woods yet. Theres a saying that I really love and it we only accept the love we think we deserve. And this time I thought I may deserve more. I actually took this chance and I took those steps and I fell hard. I feel ridiculous and stupid and so open. I never wanted this, I just want to curl into a ball and hide. I hate this sense of vunerability, I am the strong one that can do anything. But everytime I take one step forward I take three back. I know I can overcome this but right now all I want is a hug and someone to tell me it will be ok. I wanna be the one thats cared for, for a change. I am so glad he doesnt know as he warned me. I am so stupid