Ok Now Lets Go

Right I am in a good excited mood. And I think I have sat myself down and had some home truthes given to me by me. I need to take more chances and not sit and stay in my bubble of comfort. I need to throw myself in at the deep end more.. And yeah I think I would love a relationship with the right guy. But I am not gonna look. And this time around the guy is gonna have to be bloody special. Pear did want me once and I pied him with a really harsh brush off. I guess in a way this is my Karma. I am not saying that I should be feeling this way but I cant ignore the fact that I was mean once. I don't do mean very well but I think I am gonna try and be more mean and think about myself more. Because I need to. I was born to and I will live as a separate entity. Yeah I feel really sucky at points but what persons life doesnt. You have to feel all these different emotions to live. You cant hide behind a door forever. I need to make mistakes that are good bad and painful as that is how we grow. I want to be a well lived person. I want to get old and realize that when I look back I can smile and lose my last breath knowing that I truely lived each moment to the best I could. I will not fail myself because I am better than that. I want more and I am will find it. I will break from these chains and rise like a phoenix.

:(

I saw the girl he likes I think. She not much in the way of a looker. Does this mean she has such an awesome personality it shines through. Am I a shallow horrible person. I cant shake this feeling of sickness. Its so prominent. I am sad, so very sad. This has really thrown me. I am not used to this. I am going to bed because I genuinely feel really sick :(

life is not always kind

So it got a bit better and it just fell. The guy I liked thanked me for giving him confidence and he asked a girl out he liked. I knew that I put to many eggs in one basket but for once I took a chance. I took a chance that I am never taking again. I am never opening my feelings to anyone again. This hurts a lot more than it should, I got cocky and forgot about the bad. He told me never to fall for him and he doesn't realize I did. I hate that I softened over a guy. I am so hard hearted with guys due to seeing mums failed relationships. And I broke the number one rule which is to never need a guy. He told me last night and I had to keep everything in and then go to work and then get home without crying. And now I cant stop. I wasn't even with him and this hurts I have a lump in my throat that wont go away. I am so lonely and as each day goes by I get lonelier. This empty feeling that I just cant seem to shake is just getting worse. I used to listen to music when I traveled and now I cant because all I do is think. I worry and I get scared.. I am just a shell of the way I was. I cant eat properly I cant sleep I dont think I am out of the woods yet. Theres a saying that I really love and it we only accept the love we think we deserve. And this time I thought I may deserve more. I actually took this chance and I took those steps and I fell hard. I feel ridiculous and stupid and so open. I never wanted this, I just want to curl into a ball and hide. I hate this sense of vunerability, I am the strong one that can do anything. But everytime I take one step forward I take three back. I know I can overcome this but right now all I want is a hug and someone to tell me it will be ok. I wanna be the one thats cared for, for a change. I am so glad he doesnt know as he warned me. I am so stupid

Slighty

Things are slowly getting better. I have had a brilliant couple of weekends. Molly made my birthday weekend so special. She was great and she really put the smile on my face that I needed. Last weekend was the bonfire and friends and drugs. I loved it. I then followed that up with lots of sex and a week of trying to piece my world together. I finally spoke to the landlord and he was so great with me. I got the letter through from the jobcenter and they are agreeing to pay me! I have an interview in like 8 hours. Gawd I am nervous. I still feel so uneasy though. I have the butterflies in my stomach that usually mean i am nervous scared or that I am anticipating something going wrong. When Molly is with me she gives me courage and I dont feel awkward. When she goes I am so socially awkward. This is what my next mission is. It is to overcome this. I am usually nervous when I meet people but I think where I have stayed in it has broken me a bit. I plan oon having an ace weekend this weekend and it shall be good. I hopefully will be back to my full weird self soon.

Positivish

I made it through a day of not crying. I have to make one last dreaded call to the landlord, which I am scared to do. Grrrrr I just want it to stop. I do worry though, what if I have been so depressed and wrapped up in myself that my friends will like me less. Or what if I have become a burden. I have been that bad I can see why they would want to avoid me. Maybe I am being silly, I dont know. All these what ifs keep popping up and they are worrying me so much. I need a cuddle that says I love you and I will be there for ever. I think were people constantly leave me so easily I worry that the people closest to me will, and I even I know that that is silly. Stupid stupid head. But today was better than yesterday and that I can handle :)

People suck sometimes

Dan is being a massive dick. I say no to him staying around and he starts throwing his toys out of the cot. And he just ended the friendship, honestly thats a load off my mind. I cant keep working around him its to draining. I feel drained but I have to move. I need something positive to happen today. need to start the feeling of happy and then try and make it continue. I guess that sounds really odd, but I am trying. I have not cried yet and I am going to try hard not to. Unless I get hit by a truck at which point I am gonna cry like a newborn!! My head feels pretty heavy and I am getting my daily stress headache and the huge feeling of anxiety which feels like someone sitting on my chest. Gawwwwd I hate this I want to feel normal again. Well as close as I can get. Right enough of me whinging via writing. I am getting off my bed and I will open the curtains and I will find my positivity.

Okish

Today was okish. I forgot how amazing kids are at making you laugh. Banana has missed me and she was so sweet and loving. She was my little minion. I had wrote loads of words down for her to spell in a new book I gave her. And her smile was perfect, it was a smile worth getting out of bed for. I still struggled but I made it, I wore pants and everything. The sea today was so strong, It made me feel so small and insignificant but at the same time I was in such awe that this big power surrounded me. Natural beauty is one of my favorite things I love that in bad houses beautiful flowers can roam. I still hurt but I think that I cant bow out. I want to see everything, I want to feel a love that consumes me. I want to experience my dreams and let go of my nightmares. I want to feel that moment when the world feels like its stopped and I stand there facing something that my imagination never thought possible. I want to live. Even though I feel like I am knee high in mud I think I can make it out. Luck, love and life to you all.